The Weight of it All

By the time she got to the third floor, Lisey was perspiring heavily; no scratch that she was sweating like a damn pig. There was nothing ladylike or glowy about what was happening. The peach fuzz on her upper lip glistened with fat beads, her lower black was slick and oily and there were two dark stains blossoming in the pits of her crimson dress shirt. She was also wheezing. Damn it, she though, why didn’t I wear a light coloured shirt? New Woman Today had mentioned nothing about the side effects of this hint number 3 from the supposedly “painless steps to weight loss”.
Before opening the door to her office, Lisey paused to take a few deep breaths, hoping that her face didn’t match her shirt. She flapped her arms a few times, hoping to dry the sweat circles that now extended to her rib cage. The whoosh of fabric on fabric and her laboured breathing masked the clack of Carol’s heels. Lisey was startled when Carol’s pinched face appeared at her shoulder. “Everything ok dear?” she asked in a clipped voiced that clashed with the sweetness of her words. Her voice reminded Lisey of little yellow packages of artificial sweetener, poison masquerading as a treat. “You look terrible dear. You should take better care of yourself.” Lisey nodded, forcing a smile to her heated face. She didn’t have enough breath to retort. Carol half smiled, her pale skin cracking with sharp lines that looked painful. “See you in a few” she said, disappearing into the office. Lisey counted to 20 and followed her in.
Lisey’s desk was all the way in the far right corner of the office. To get there, she had to pass a long row of cubicles. The sound of thigh rubbing on thigh alerted her co-workers to her passage and a few of them peeked their heads over or around stained grey partition walls to murmur greetings with varied degrees of sincerity. Lisey merely nodded, conserving her breath, until she reached Kyle’s box. There, she paused and cleared her throat, hoping he would turn around. Kyle was busy playing with his phone and Lisey to a moment to watch his broad shoulders and the perfect wave of his sandy brown hair before she cleared her throat again. Kyle looked up and flashed a toothy grin. “Oh hey Lisey. How’s it going sunshine?” Lisey smiled back. Her face had cooled during the walk but now it flushed again. “Good Kyle” she said and then grimaced at the breathless, yipping way her voice came out. “You?” she asked, forcing her voice down a few registers. “Oh you know, keeping on, keeping on” he answered still grinning. Lisey shifted her gaze around the cubicle wall, trying not to stare into his magnificent green eyes for too long. With a nod, Kyle swiveled around in his chair indicating that he was ready to work. “Ok, well, have a good day” Lisey chirped, casting one last look at his perfect back. He reminded her of the popular football player guy on her favourite sitcom as a teen. Kyle waved over his shoulder.
Lisey plonked into her chair. It groaned and made a farting sound as her pants slid across the imitation leather. Carol looked up from the neighbouring desk with a chastising look on her face. It was the chair Lisey wanted to scream. Lisey did her best to ignore Carol’s looks, centering herself by staring at the screen saver, a picture of her kittens Mandy and Pandy. She wondered what they were doing at home. Probably sleeping or eating. Lisey thought of the poached egg and English muffin she had eaten for breakfast. It seemed like days ago. Her stomach gurgled. There were m&ms in her desk. No, she was on a diet. A few wouldn’t hurt though. Just a handful, a small handful. She leaned over and opened the bottom drawer. It squealed. She glanced up. Carol was busy on the computer. Good. Lisey snatched the m&ms and deftly tore the corner of the pack, pouring a heap into her hand. She put a single m&m in her mouth and let it melt slowly, savouring the choclatey hit. But the edges of her tongue tasted nothing. She added a few more, allowing herself to crunch a bit this time. Her eyes closed and she was engulfed in the sound of her own chewing and the taste of pleasure. She flicked her wrist and poured another handful.
She was startled out of her blissful state by Carol’s shrill reproachful voice. “Lisey, really, chocolate for breakfast?” Lisey’s eyes snapped open. “I uh… didn’t eat at home and it was all I had here” Lisey stammered apologetically. Why am I apologizing to the skinny bitch? She pictured tearing Carol into bite sized pieces. Her perfect bun looked like a shiny coil of black licorice, her face a white egg, her tiny pant legs two thin chocolate lady fingers, her white shirt…well that’s where the image stopped working. Carol tsked and returned to her compute screen. Lisey scowled at Carol’s rigid back and wolfed down the rest of the m&ms hardly tasting them. She licked her fingers clean, pulled a Kleenex from the glittery box on her desk and turned her attention to work.
Lisey had enough work on her plate that she avoided thinking about food until lunch time but as soon as she pulled her Lean Cuisine out of the staff room fridge, her mind was filled with dreams of fried chicken, lasagna and chocolate cake. The Lean Cuisine looked good though. It was fettuccine Alfredo and only 350 calories. She watched it rotate in the microwave and hoped it would satisfy her. Cathy and Janet walked in, all bubbly in their pastels. “Hi Lisey” they said in unison and then giggled at themselves. The microwave dinged. Lisey pulled out the cardboard tray and lifted it to her nose, inhaling. It was almost odourless except for a faint scent of wax. She sighed. “Oh look at you” Janet cooed. “Lean Cuisine. I wish I had the willpower.” She sat at one of the formica tables and began packing an array of food, an apple, a yogurt, chips, a granola bar. “Join us” Cathy called to Lisey who was still hovering by the microwave. Lisey trundled over, walking into a chair leg as she squeezed between the narrow rows. The invite was welcome. Usually she ate at her desk, trying not to make a mess or to incur Carol’s derision. The Lean Cuisine was gone in six bites. It tasted like it smelled. She watched as Janet tore her granola bar into tiny bite sized pieces and chewed each one carefully. “Oh I can’t finish all of this,” Janet sighed. She shoved her yogurt container towards Lisey. “Here, have this.” “Yeah, have my cookie too,” Cathy added, pushing the offering across the table. Lisey shook her head. “I’m full, really.” Cathy and Janet raised their eyebrows in sync. “Oh come on, that was nothing. Don’t torture yourself” Cathy sang. Lisey reached for the cookie. It was not very good, dry, bland and mealy and with each bite, Lisey pictured her thighs expanding, like a balloon being slowly inflated. She kept eating. Her mind told her all the reasons she should put the cookie down but she kept raising it to her lips, biting, chewing and swallowing. Next, she reached for the yogurt. She didn’t have spoon. She knew there were some in the communal kitchen drawer but she couldn’t be bothered to get up so after peeling back the silver lining, she brought the whole container to her mouth, squeezed the bottom and let the sticky, sweet strawberriness run down her throat. She licked her lips; definitely better than the cookie. “See,” Janet smiled. “Better right?” Lisey nodded but her inside felt like stones. She pictured willpower as a giant bird that would carry away her heaviness. She sat on this weight the rest of the day.
At the end of the work day, Lisey stood in the stairwell trying to decide whether she wanted to brave the stairs again or wait for the elevator. Going down the stairs would probably be easier she figured but her kneed and ankles were bothering her. Then again, Carol hadn’t left yet. She might get trapped in an awkward elevator conversation with her. Just as she was about to commit to the stairs, every little bit counts after all, she heard the door open behind her. She turned her head just in time to see Kyle stepping out. She smiled to herself, pushed her hair out of her eyes, straightened her back and turned around. “Hey Lisey Loo” he called. “Hey Kyle” she waved. Definitely elevator. As they waited, Kyle bounced on the balls of his feet. “So, big plans for the weekend?” Lisey hated these types of questions. What was she going to say, yeah, eating chocolate and watching movies with my cats? “Oh a few potentials, nothing concrete yet.” Kyle nodded. The elevator groaned, clanged and then dinged and the doors opened with a shudder. They both took a step forwards at the same time and their hands banged clumsily against each other. Lisey swallowed hard. “Ooops, ladies first.” Kyle motioned her towards the open doors. “Thanks”. They nodded at the other elevator passenger, a balding man dressed almost head to toe in grey. The elevator gave another shudder and began its slow descent. Kyle started to whistle. The sound bounced off the shiny elevator alls. Lisey stared up at the ceiling, catching sight of her distorted and stretched reflection. She looked even larger than usual. She sighed as the doors opened on the lobby. “Have a good weekend” Kyle said as they parted at the front door. “You too.”
When she got home Mandy and Pandy were anxiously waiting for her, circling their empty food dishes like blood thirsty sharks. “Mommies here” she called putting her purse on the hallway junk table. She emptied a scoop of dry kibble into each of their bowls, purple for Mandy, pink for Pandy, and stirred in some wet food. “There you go sweeties” she said placing the dishes on the little plastic mat by the fridge. She pulled the water pitcher from the fridge and filled both their water bowls too. “Don’t spill now sillies.” She rummaged through the cupboards looking for a snack for herself. She settled on a bag of dill flavoured mini rice crackers. She tore open the bag and absentmindedly munched the Styrofoam bites, licking the flavour off her fingers as headed into the living room. She settled into the oversized loveseat, flicked on the TV and began flipping through the channels. Despite the complete cable package, there was nothing on. There never was on Fridays. The networks figured people were out having fun. She finally settled on a home improvement show. At least the people in it seemed kind and happy. She hated seeing people bicker or even compete. The rice cakes quickly disappeared. She made some lite popcorn to tide her over until the show finished. She was involved now. Finally, they revealed a new kitchen. She couldn’t actually remember what the old one had looked like, or maybe she had missed that part of the show, but the new one had to be nicer. They always were.
Now, there really was nothing on. Only news and that was too depressing. Oh well, it was a good excuse to make dinner. She pulled a bag of pre cut pre washed veggies out of the crisper. They were starting to lose their colour and even in the warm countertop lighting they appeared grey and limp. She hoped a quick steam would revive them. She popped a pre-seasoned, pre-cooked chicken breast in the microwave and wondered when the last time was she had actually cooked a meal from scratch. Probably at least a year. Sad. But cooking for one was sadder. The steam did little to revive the veggies. It only coated them with a layer of moisture. The zucchini looked and felt like slugs. Probably tasted like slugs too, though of course Lisey couldn’t actually say for sure. She heaped the veggies and the chicken on a sunny plate, hoping the yellow would make the food look more appetizing. It was not enough to entice her to sit down and enjoy her meal. She ate standing at the counter leafing through an old gossip rag. Not only were the celebrity tidbits trivial, they were dated, but she supposed it hardly mattered. The glossy photos diverted her from the blandness of the meal. She tried hard not to compare her body to the ones she saw in the magazine. They had trainers and personal chefs and photoshopping. Lisey only had herself and she was really craving ice cream. She dug around in the crowded freezer hoping she might find something good under the frozen vegetables and meat. There was nothing, not even a forgotten tub of frozen yogurt. She looked at the green clock on the microwave. It read 8:30. The supermarket across the street would still be open. Pandy and Mandy stared at her accusingly from their perch on the fuzzy play palace. What, I’ll take the stairs and it won’t be so bad. She knew there was no point in fighting it. Her brain was saturated with melting ice cream cravings. She zipped a hoodie over her shirt and closed the door firmly behind her, then surprised herself by nearly jogging down the hall and stairs. With each step, another flavour erupted in her mind. Mint chocolate chip? Maple walnut? Rocky road?
Outside the street was eerily quiet and if not for the ugly light from the streetlamps and the crowded shadows of city buildings, Lisey might have imagined herself on a country road. There was no one around. Lisey’s heart thudded loudly in her chest, partially from the exertion of taking the stairs and partially from a small piece of fear that had taken hold of her internal organs and was now slowly rattling them, like a bird beating itself on the bars of its cage. Lisey clutched her keys in her fist, pointed outward so she could stab any would be attackers. By the time she reached the supermarket, which was only across the street, she was on the verge of panic but the ding dong of the automatic doors dissolved the fear in an instant. The inside of the supermarket was sterile and comforting. The colours, from the maroon and blue of the signs to the cherry red of the employees’ smocks, were happy and safe. She stood over the freezer admiring the selection. Monkey’s nuts? Who comes up with these names, she wondered. Finally, she settled on a pint of Cherry Garcia. It was funny without being offensive and sweet without being overly nauseating.
Purchase safe in hand, she wandered out on to the street, thoughts of her indulgence warding off the menace of the night. There must have been a lot of bounce in her step because somehow she lost her grip on the thin plastic handle of the bag and the ice cream slipped and rolled out onto the street. “Oh fiddlesticks” Lisey mumbled to herself as she stepped off the curb and reached for her dessert. There was a sharp squeal of tires as the little black civic she had not bothered to check for swerved to avoid her. The air smelled of rubber and hot tar. Goose bumps blossomed on Lisey’s arms. “Watch where you’re going crazy bitch!” the driver shouted as he peeled away. In the dim light from the streetlamps, Lisey could just barely make out the black snakes from the tires. The closest set was less than three inches away from her right foot. The bird in her chest had grown to an eagle and it wanted out. Her feet would not move from where they were. She managed to turn her head to see inside the supermarket, expecting a group of concerned shoppers to emerge but they continued to stand in line at the check out, oblivious to the drama outside. Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom…ba boom..ba boom..ba boom……ba boom……ba boom……ba boom. Her heart was almost beating at a normal speed. The weight in her feet was dissolving. Her vision cleared and she saw the tub of ice cream, still wrapped in its plastic bag, apparently unscathed, sitting by the opposite curb. She focused on the little tub and forced her feet to take her across the street, making sure to check both ways carefully before she did so.
Upstairs, safe in her apartment, she turned on the television, settled on a talk show, stroked Mandy and Pandy and ate the whole damn tub of Cherry Garcia.